I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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