you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
