I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
did you just send me my own nude
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
