he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize
