I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
