lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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