i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
