On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize