I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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