DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
