I wish I could punch you in the face.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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