i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
