Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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