If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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