My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize