fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
