I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
