Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
