omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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