no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
