I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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