I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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