My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
