Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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