just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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