someone get that fucking seahorse.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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