of course. lets lasso hookers.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
