someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
