I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
