apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
