I'm lost and stupid without you.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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