I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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