She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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