so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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