just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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