puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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