I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
being pregnant is like rehab
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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