Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
