Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You made out with two different species that night
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
