so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
