i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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