every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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