you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
