...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
