I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
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