I'm pants shitting drunk right now
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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