Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
