this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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