Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I have demons in me.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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