I look better un-naked...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
