You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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