Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
