Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
