I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
