Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
