STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize