I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
