I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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