I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
