I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
