Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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