She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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