Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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